People tell you when you are going through this process that it hurts when you are not chosen. The first time we were presented I was not upset when we were not chosen because the birthmother chose a family member. Well today, it happened again. We have been presented to a mom due in July. Only 3 couples applied, 1 engaged couple, 1 married couple with no children and us. The birthmother chose the couple with no children. While I am thrilled for this couple, nothing could prepare me for the hurt and devastation in my heart when I read the words "she chose someone else." I was sitting in a staff meeting shaking while watching my computer screen refresh and waiting for my phone to ring (I had told my Principal so she knew I was not being disrespectful). I was told you get a phone call if it is a match and an email if not; I saw the lawyers name pop up on the screen and I knew. I held it together for a few minutes and then had to walk out and take some time by myself. My co-workers were awesome and could tell something was wrong, but no one questioned. We did not tell many people this time that we were even being looked at mainly because if you have not gone through this you cannot even fathom the process.
Now, I know my God is faithful and I know he has the perfect plan and baby girl for our family, but today I just needed to cry and be upset. It is kind of like the stages of grief. I was very sad, angry and then numb. It did not help my partner was not at school today as he is at a conference, so when I calmed down enough where I could talk I called him and we cried together.
Are we giving up? NO WAY! Will we apply to be presented knowingly soon, probably not. I know remember why we chose the agency we did. They do not tell you when you are being presented, the don't tell you until you get that yes. I will trust God's timing for that yes!
(if this rambled or was not clear I am sorry, I am hurting bad right now)
Wow that was a lot! I told you all we would be an open book on how the adoption process works so that is what this entry is about!
Tarrah
